Saturday, December 3, 2016
I want to share this in case anyone else out there feels this way too.
This is a strange time of year for me. It is a Liminal Time.
Between Oct 31, when the Veil is at its thinnest and Dec 21, our longest Night but also when the Light returns, I live in a limbo. I have a harder time getting things done. I am torn between wanting company and wanting to be alone. I want to sleep or spend time nesting, like a lot. Sunset tends to signal snuggle time and once the sun is down, I tend to not want to leave my house and I don't care if that is at 5pm.
I love the cheerful giving and caring aspect of the Holidays, gathering, traveling and connecting.
Yet, when I go into many stores this time of year, it has a similar feeling to being in a casino.
The displays the lights the zombies shopping. I say this because when I am in a casino, its like I can feel that weird distorted "need" to win, which is driven so often by people spending money that they don't have. Sometimes this time of year feels exactly that way for me. I can feel people going into debt to buy things they don't need and it stresses me out. I'll forget what I am going into a store for because I will be bedazzled by all the displays. Just like a casino and just like a casino, the house wins!
This year, I just can't.
I don't want anything.
I want to enjoy the Season in my own way with family and friends and no pressure.
I buy gifts when something I see resonates for a person I know, I feel that ping and its a lovely exchange. I don't need big commercial signs screaming "And Now You Shop!"
There are things my beloved and I actually need, like a new bed, that takes precedence over buying a bunch of people gifts and if that makes me selfish than so be it. I'd rather be selfish and sleep well snuggled comfortably next to the person that means the most to me than do what I'm "supposed" to do as a good consumer. In case we have all forgotten, we can't buy happiness or connection.
This is naturally a time of year for reflection.
The Darker days, the twinkling lights outside on peoples houses, the soft lights coming through peoples windows. It all reminds me to tend to that Inner Light, to sit in front of a fire maybe with a glass of wine and to let the creative juices flow or act like raisins, depending on their mood because lately, creatively I have felt like a raisin, lol. But really as Nature quietly rests, renewing and restoring for another year, so shall I. And I will allow myself to do, or not do as I need.
And if any of this resonates for you, I invite you to take the approach to this Season or really at anytime, that works for you you; to create or unravel any tradition as it is most meaningful for you and to take the time and care for yourself as your sweet Being needs.
Friday, November 18, 2016
Oh yes I dare say it and I know some people will scroll past this post in disgust merely because of the title, but for those whose curiosity is taking you further, here we go. I have this title running through my head and so I will write about it.
Why in the Fuck is Trump a GIFT?
First I will say that every single teacher of conscious principles that I have ever had, has always encouraged me to look for the Gift in any situation. So you feel devastated, abandoned, hurt, terrified...Feel the FEELINGS! All of them and once the storm has ebbed, ask now, where is the Gift? In this case, I think part of the Gift is the feelings themselves. We are no longer numb, drifting in some sparkly fairy world. We are awake! And yes it may hurt right now but it always hurts when the circulation first begins moving again.
It is my opinion that feelings are not created in us from someone doing something outside of us or to us. They all exist as potentials inside of us waiting to be activated. People will hear the same phrase from a person and where as for some it will elicit permission to enact on already troubled feelings, for others it will elicit disgust. It all depends on our personal constructs and emotional development.
Perhaps what is happening in part is an all over emotional and spiritual maturing! Wouldn't that be something! No more bully/ savior complex just people dealing with each other and their feelings.
There are so many feelings that have been activated by recent events that not all of us have the emotional depth to even know what all we are feeling let alone the skills to convey those emotions. And why is this, that full grown adults don't know how to navigate their feelings? Because we are not taught how to process our emotions. Well, hardly any of us anyway. Too many people are told, you want to cry, well I'll give you seeming to cry about. Here's another, only babies cry. Here's another, men don't cry, women are always too emotional, its your hormones, you'll get over it, buck up, turn the other cheek....dismissiveness ad nauseum infinitum.
For too many of us, our feelings, especially the more intense ones, those ones those lofty folks with bullshit spiritual notions tell us are low vibration, negative unwanted, bad....or are just too unfucking pleasant to deal with, have suppressed too many "negative" feelings for too long and have bought too heartily into the idea that you should only focus on the positive.
Well, apparently a good number of US did not get that message and what many of us living in our happy little meditative zones have forgotten, is that we have been sitting on a festering boil for a long time and have been plying it with cover ups instead of healing it.
Well now that sucker has popped.
It is seeping, and it hurts.
WE hurt. But I will tell you a secret, we have been hurting for a long time. Some of us are so deeply ingrained with divisive beliefs that hate is as natural as breathing. This is the result of Othering. If I see myself better than you, for whatever reason, I now have an excuse to take from you what I want because I am more deserving of it and that is what every single conquest that has ever been undertaken in this world has been about. My religion is better than yours, my truth is better than yours, my nation, my people, so therefore I have the right to eradicate your cultural practices and replace them with my own and you had better accept it or I will kill you.
This has gone on so long and so effectively that we do it to each other without a second thought. We Other each other and in doing so we get to briefly feel better about ourselves because we have now taken that inherent discomfort that original wound, the secret belief that is so deeply ingrained, there is something wrong with me, and made someone else the home for it.
Ahh, I can breathe easier because now I am not feeling that dread and discomfort because you, You other over there, are the cause of it. Now I can freely attack you and feel no guilt about it because you are the source of my discomfort and if I can just put and end to you, I can be comfortable forever.
This is how the Shadow works.
It takes guilt and solidifies it into shame, makes that shame intolerable, makes that guilt unbearable, makes the separation so convincing that now all my discomfort can conveniently leap into you, where I can, once and for all take it out!
But if doesn't work. Sure there may be a sense of vindication for a moment but ultimately the guilt grows and so arises the next the thing to attack.
It is a vicious cycle and we have been doing it for so long.
So the GIFT right now, in my eyes, is this. We are so raw, that pain is so out in the open, it is no longer hiding, which to me, signifies its death rattle.
If these Shadow practices are now out in Light they are running out of places to hide and that is a great thing because the way that we deal with this kind of pattern is we corral it, contain and address it as ACTIVITY, rather than continuing in the Game. An activity can be communicated about and corrected. A person once seen as irredeemable, cannot. Once the activity is solidified in a person, a group or a class of people we are no longer addressing activity and behavior we are singling out people for more othering. And that is how the game perpetuates.
If we want to step off this game board, we must each decide in our own Hearts how we will address Othering. Will we keep pointing the finger and blaming or will we each make a stand for what we value. Will we choose to allow others to retain their values without forcing ours upon them.
This world is a panorama of beauty and variety and there is room of us to each live in a way that is comfortable and sustainable, communicable, prosperous, we are not a threat to each other if we can choose to see ourselves in the Other. We all have fears, hopes and dreams and no one is here to take those away from the other. In fact if we can be a bit more open to what our needs are, we can all come together to get those needs met.
Every human has the right to be seen, to be heard, to be clothed, sheltered. To feel safe. There is so much more that we are capable of when stop spreading fear and start spreading love instead. Now is our chance. It's all out in the open and its ululating with cries for healing. Will you answer this call? Will you dive in and feel the Feelings and stop spreading Fear. Fear is the food of bigots, hypocrites, misogynists and racists. We who are in our divine unfolding, we embrace our humanity and we feed on Love and Love we Serve.
Monday, October 31, 2016
How many posts I share with you could start out, while in the bathtub the other night... Well this one and so many others because my tub is my Cauldron, I sink into it when I am seeking, solace, healing or transfiguration. I form my potion, salts and essential oils, and prepare my sacrifice, whatever part of myself that is ready to expire. In our society, we shy from Death. As a Witch, I welcome it. I welcome the death of that which is no longer serving me. I ask that those who come to me for help, healing and transformation, also learn to embrace the death of whatever is no longer serving them.
In many parodies of witchcraft we see the Practitioner tossing various things into the Cauldron, often dead things, things from jars, things from cages. She, (she's usually a Woman) asks, what are you going to give me for my Magick?
Will you give up your Cage?
Something must be given.
The Great Circle calls for a Death for there to be New Life. This is not black magic this the law of nature. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it merely changes form.
When we wish to bring forth a new Creation that which is of the Old, must be transfigured. This is the secret we must learn in order to Shape Shift effectively.
I have cast spells in my time. We all have. Think of the word, spelling, to Spell. We spell with our words, we cast spells with our words and intentions. We all do it, all the time. Whether we mean to or not, we give the symbols energy and meaning.
I once cast a spell on my Wusband and his then wife. I had evidence that she was toxic to my daughter, who was then living with her. I myself still had unresolved issues with my ex, feelings that had not been sorted. I believed she was dangerous to my family. I cast a spell to sunder their connection. I wrote it in my Book, Let Him Go! Several months later, it worked. In an epic fight, they broke up. But the cost, my sacrifice that brought this spell to fruition was the Death of the Identity that believed I still loved my ex in the only context that we had known. Love doesn't die, you see, it merely changes form. I found that as soon as he was released, I no longer wanted him. In performing this act, I sacrificed the identity that had created the desire in the first place! That part of me died, but that energy transference created changes in my life that I could not have foreseen. Great changes down the road, it even made room for my current Love.
It was a Wicked Power Realization! Magick Comes with a Cost.
The cost for me was that identity, which I willing let go with no small amount of grieving, just because you may realize that sometime is not meant for you doesn't mean you can't feel sad about the end of its existence. But had I not let it go, I can only imagine the suffering that might have created.
So many of us want Magic, real MAGICK, not parlor tricks. But Earth Shattering Transformation. But it will have a cost. It stands at the corner of Possibility and Now and asks, "What will you give me? or more accurately....What will you give up for me?
It may ask nothing short of the life you know but just because you are asked to go beyond what is known, this does not mean you die. Yet if we want to know Trance-Formation truly we must familiarize ourself with Death for at some level, all fear is the fear of death and it will hold you where you are. Holding your dreams hostage.
In the Cauldron last night, I lay there soaking, asking for breath for my stuffy face, asking for change, asking for the Keys to a more congruent life. I saw a great broadsword come toward me, slicing me down the middle, spilling my insides. I saw myself split into Three Essences. One was Light and looked like Daisies being carried on the breeze. The other was the body, my form which I felt some sadness at watching perish. The final was my guts themselves, they spilled out, red and rank and fell, instantly reabsorbed by the Earth. I was once again, sacrificed. I was curious, I was free and I cried. And immediately following this vision, came the awareness of some behaviors that will need to change in order for the person that I truly want to be, to emerge as well as some replacement behaviors for those old habits. Once again, the law of transfiguration the energy of one thing becomes the energy of the next.
I also saw within moments, that I am not a Warrior in this Life. Though I resonate deeply with the Sword, from many lives and from my Ancestress Boudica, that is not my Path in this life.
I am here to work with Story, to record, to shift, to heal. I am here to cast Spells of power and transformation and to awaken the sisterhood of Witches to take back our Story, our Power from the maligned and defamed, tortured and brutalized memories that have become our history. I am a Witch I am attuned with life as a sentient force. I am walking my path, caring for those who have been discarded by traditional society. I will walk the edge of the Forest, gathering branches for my Fire, herbs for my tinctures, stories for my books and a Coven from those who are disillusioned with life's lies, with false identities, who do not fear Death but who seek their own Power and Connection to Nature. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a Witch and tonight I ride my broom through the Worlds, laughing calling out to the Universe and all my fellow Witches.
Ride with me, my Lovelies!
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Greetings Loves! It's been some time since I have written in this space. I have been devoting time and energy to a new website, playfullyconscious.com, and writing blogs for that. I encourage you to check it out when you have the chance.
Meanwhile life is incredibly juicy and at the same time, occasionally, very disturbing. In my own personal sphere, things feel more congruent than ever before. When I tap into the Collective Sphere, things are stirred up to a level that we have not witnessed in this way before. I did not watch the last presidential debate, but I could feel the energy from the moment it began and chose to tap into my own Creative Magic instead. And now this blog has been brewing for months and so here we go!
The energetic temperature of the world right now could be summed up as INTENSE!
In past times, many incidences would go unnoticed, simply because there was not enough media connections to cover what was going on. A century ago, when a war was going on the folks at home could only hear random reports from radio and letters. Even 20 years ago communication was much more limited. Now we are bombarded with information....every moment of every day. We have some choices for news sources but the majority of what is put into the world is being engineered to evoke specific emotional responses from the masses. This is not a conspiracy, this is fact. When the media is owned by a select few, you can bet they are controlling the information that is being put out there and if you are not aware of this, then within that spectrum of control also goes the emotional range that is most beneficial to their agendas. Those emotions primarily being, separation, anger, fear, frustration, helplessness, depression and divisiveness.
Our alleged Two Party political system is a fantastic tool for spreading all of these emotions. This has been one of the most emotionally charged elections in history. The level of involvement emotionally, is off the charts. The main people in the spotlight who respectively represent heavily charged morphic fields are doing a phenomenal job of flushing ancient energetic sludge to the surface.
Before I go on, I will give you my definition of a morphic field, A morphic field is an energetic field of vibration and information. It is comprised of actions, thoughts and intentions collected through out time and space. They contain archetypal energies as well as other subtle energies. They influence us at a psychospiritual level, they play out through our bodies, relationships and at global levels.
With this election, I see 2 representatives of morphic fields embodies by our most popular candidates. We've got the Spoiled Arrogant Child on one side and the Feminine version of Perverted Patriarchy on the other. They're both playing characters for their respective fields. It's all a game of Shadows. 2 sides of the con. I don't doubt that each of these people also have redeeming human qualities. I don't doubt that they are capable of care or of perpetrating charitable deeds, even if it is to further their own image. No one is completely one thing or another, we are complex beings. We each contain a tremendous capacity to further life or to thwart it. What I am saying is that the long term consequences of their actions and choices which have shaped their characters, to greater and lesser degrees, have made them puppets to these fields.
I am fascinated by the Energy at Play beneath the surface here! And in my opinion, regardless of which of these people next take the seat of POTUS, WE, as a People, as a Collective, are in for a but load of Shadow Work, for which we each and everyone of us are accountable for tending to. As we saw with Obama, our first black president, racism was flushed to the surface in a major way. The attention of police on black brutality soared. We saw the emergence of Black Lives Matter as a response to racial injustice. Obama did not create these conditions in our country. This country was built on slavery and genocide, a lot of other really fabulous ideals as well, but come on, lets face the facts. This country was taken from its original care takers, the indigenous who dwelled here, by deception and force. So interesting right now what is going on at Standing Rock, with the very same descendants of those people standing up for WATER, our life's Source. Many innovations have been driven on human suffering and slavery or indentured servitude, Irish, Polish, Mexicans, Italians, have all been singled out in various times in history, in this country as less than the White Man. It's almost like we are still operating under the obscure provisions of Manifest Destiny. Now we focus that exclusivity on the Middle Eastern people, calling them terrorists, when in fact the people in charge of our country have been reigning terror down on the people of their countries for years. Dare I say that to them, we are the terrorists? A war on anything that uses the same tactics to purvey its mission becomes the very thing that it does battle with.
Another long standing part of our history as a country and a collective, has been the suppression of women and the Divine Feminine. This issue is up huge right now and women are taking back their power in so many ways and the energy of the Divine Feminine is rising, but many women have not been able to rise in authentic femininity and have instead adapted to the ways of the toxic patriarchy in order to make a place for themselves in this world. I give you as an illustration, Hillary Clinton. Wave after wave of information has surfaced about her compliance in corrupt policies. I don't blame her, although we all have choices to make in life. But let's talk about this as an adaption to a very powerful Field, the Morphic Filed of Toxic Patriarchy. To become a member of the Good Ole Boys club, you have to act like a Good Ole Boy, you have to learn the walk, talk the talk, and if you practice at anything or pretend and anything long enough you become it. In order to be accepted, and they haven't even fully accepted her because, well because she is a woman, she too has had to struggle to become like them, to be accepted by them, in the process betraying her own True Nature. But this is, to a large degree, what it has taken for a woman to become powerful in our society, a near complete adaptation to the reigning toxic patriarchy. Hell, if you can't beat em, join em! Right? Is there good in this person and a desire to do good, probably! People are complicated, not wholly one thing or another. Can she be a mother a grandmother, a woman's rights activist and sill be a tool for the corporate poisoners and war mongers, I'd say, indubitably.
Then on the other hand we have this loud, arrogant baby man, The Donald, who is such a character of himself it is quite laughable. Yet, he represents a tremendous energetic and cultural pattern and that is not too terribly funny. He is not the only one who thinks or says the things that he does. He is certainly not the first or the last man to stand as a waving flag to the blatant tolerance of what could be considered a rape culture. Some love him because he says what's on his mind. Well to paraphrase, Depak Chopra, "His consciousness is in his genitals!" He has not risen to any Higher State of mind and therefore has no access to compassion, empathy or an established sense of Self. People who result to name calling, "Nasty Woman" do not embody any type of self possessiveness that allows them access to cognitive reasoning. Like a child, they get triggered and say the first thing that comes to mind. But once again, I do not blame The Donald, either. Let's look at Fields here again. This man would not be in this position if there were not a a substantial amount of people who think and function the way that he does and supporting systems in place that both reward and or make excuses for the kinds of behaviors that he has time and time again exhibited. He has established an ongoing character as being insulting and degrading to women, and an abrasive tv personality, yet some women will stand up for him and those behaviors excusing them and even lauding them, holding up signs that say, "You can grab my pussy" because they are so heavily programmed that they actually think that is a compliment. So I will say this, there are only two reasons that a person will justify the kinds of behaviors that Trumpster has been associated with, ONE: You yourself are a host to that energy and are complied to justify and defend its infiltration into your own consciousness and behaviors. TWO: You have be so victimized by it consciously and unconsciously that you are suffering from a type of Stockholm Syndrome and have become so enamored with your torturers and captors that you are compelled to defend their atrocities and even see them as your savior.
SO IT COMES DOWN TO THIS....
Are you enjoying the Show? By Show I mean the unfolding saga of political drama. The actors are quite good this season, I think. The plot is riveting, egomaniacal business man faces down corrupt politician. There seems to be quite a few plot holes so the writers keep using various filler material, the characters are developing nicely though. I mean, you do get that you're watching characters on a screen, right? Little cartoon people that have been programmed with the power to raise inflammation as indignation and self righteousness within the People. Really they are doing a very good job. What are they evoking in you? We have a chance to look at, to feel into the Deeper Stories that are being presented to us through this Show. We can attack and point fingers at them and our neighbors, we can spread the derisiveness and fear or we can unplug our consciousness and energies from these toxic influences and focus our own energy and creativity on showing up in our life in the collective as a clear and powerful signal doing and Being who WE want to be. I am by no means saying who you should or should not vote for. I myself cannot choose the lesser of two evils. I do not want to play in either of theses fields yet I cannot help from where I am sitting, to see that regardless of how any of this goes down, we each have a lot of personal clearing that we can each choose to be responsible for. We can ask ourselves, where in my life do I act like a bully, a misogynist, a spoiled selfish child? We can ask ourselves, where in my life have I given up connection with my own True Nature, what parts of myself have I betrayed and lied to in order to fit in, to become some character that I thought I needed to be? These are the questions that I am asking myself and this is the invitation and the gift that I feel has been presented in these tumultuous times. It has been said by multiple brilliant brains from Buckminster Fuller to Albert Einstein, a problem cannot be solved at the same level from which it was created. It is our responsibility to raise above this divisive model. As each of us taps into our own Creative Essence, exhibits honesty, kindness, compassion, intelligence and refuses to be the puppets for these emotional manipulation tactics, we each step more fully into our power, into authenticity we come yet a step closer to our shared divinity through our humanity.
There is a tremendous amount of Power that is available right now in this moment.
Elect to take it back!
Sunday, August 21, 2016
|Going to the Sun Highway Glacier National Park|
Greetings Loves! It's been a while since I have written and as I prepare to take a Journey into the Mountains of Glacier National Park, I feel compelled to share the Dream that brought about this vacation. Dreams to Life. Life to Dreams, one of the many ways we can Play the Consciousness Game and waken the Whole Body.
I am driving up a straight pass in my car. My mother is in the passenger seat to my right. I look around taking in what I am faced going up and I realize, I wish my daughter was there. At the time of this dream, we were estranged. She had churned through my life and in the wake of her most recent departure, I was feeling raw, used and most of all concerned for her well being. In the Dream, I turn to my mom and say, "I want to wait for Destiny," but I know she is nowhere within this Dreamscape. Mom says to me, " She is doing her own thing. You have to go on without her, right now. "
I face back to the Mountain again and can see just how steep the incline is and am concerned, not for going up, I know my car can handle it, but for coming down. I sense my dread of having to ride the brakes down the steep decline on the downside. Never the less, I gun the engine, the car shoots up the incline and we don't even pause at the peak, but instead soar over the top and keep on flying! I look at Mom, she gapes back, mouths open, we stare at each other for a second, before I grip the steering wheel of Lucy, my 2003 VW Jetta.
I click in, wrapping my consciousness around Dream Car, feeling my Whole Body aligning with my Dream Car as it flies over the peak.
I GOT THIS!!
We sail through the air coming down for a landing, my Whole Body now in synced operation with the Dream Car.
A Poof of sparkly powder, fluffs up all around us, glinting and scintillating in the sun.
I GOT THIS.
Upon waking, I feel exhilarated! I have had Car Dreams before. In the past when I have dreamed of cars, I have always noticed some kind of corresponding relationship with Whole Body and the level of engagement in my waking life. I have dreamed of being in a Dream Car with Mom before, in one dream I was trying to steer the car from outside of it. Laying on the roof and attempting to reach through the windows to steer. Not useful! In an other dream, I was way too big for the Dream Car. To me, an indication that Whole Body wasn't fully integrated in waking life. Both powerful indicators of relationship of Inner Dream Car to Whole Body in outer life. Both dreams and indications to pay attention to my body, and to my Whole Body's relationship with life.
In this, Dream, however, I feel in command of my Dream Car, my Whole Body responds in a sync with the signals of the car.
We SOAR! (Simply Open Abundant Realizations)
In life, I am haunted by the memories of a fondly remembered, long ago family vacation to Glacier National Park, driving the Going to the Sun Highway, in particular. So what do I do? I book a trip with Mom. Dreams require attention and action. The signals from this dream were clear and actionable. I book a camping spot, getting the last consecutive days that are available for one spot in the whole campground. I start meeting people near and far, clients and friends who begin talking to me about Glacier. I make arrangements for traveling, including informing the still slightly estranged daughter of my plans and availability. I get really clear, this trip is for Mom and I alone.
I set boundaries.
I lay out an Invitation.
I enjoy the sweetest most intimate trip with my love, Kent that we have had to this date. We have never been here before. Whole Body feels enlivened and softened by our current connection. We meet and re-meet the same family in the multiple non associated locations. We ride horses at the foot of Emigrant Peak, near where I grew up. We are amused. We reconnect with estranged daughter, boundaries defined, Hearts Wide Open. He joins me for the first leg of this journey then graciously returns home to Hearth and Pug so Mom and I can carry on our adventure.
We leave today!
When in Dreams, as in life, when we ask, "What am I noticing, how does it make me feel and what action do I need to take to further this agenda?" I bring synchronicity to the foreground of my awareness, I use it to calibrate my inner to outer states and experience. I become a conscious Playmate and collaborator with Source and an architect for the Imaginal Realm. That place where Mystery, Intuition and Creation meet and plan their infiltration of Waking Life. What a Great Game. Wanna Play?
Friday, August 5, 2016
The other day, after having a great time with a young friend, my kind of Fairy Goddaughter, I began to have melancholy feelings about my current relationship status with my own daughter. She's making choices that I'm not crazy about. Not all that different than the choices that I was making when I was her age, but we always want better for our kids than what we had. Right?!
So I was driving as these feelings arose and though I acknowledged that they were there, I did not really want to fully go into them while on the road or in the presence of my young friend. I actually tried to ask her from a young persons perspective what I might be missing. What key insights might she have into the situation that I was over looking from my mom seat as well as through my own distorted emotional lens. Freedom was what she came up with and boy, do I remember wanting that at the age of seventeen! I tried feeling into the situation from this perspective and it helped.
I listened to the Wise Child, but I was still hurting.
I kind of pushed those inconvenient feelings down for the moment, knowing that I was doing it. The result of doing this for me though, for even a short time, was exhaustion a long nap, a semi-sleepless night and then the following day, the feeling of being unsettled. Makes me wonder, how much chronic fatigue and depression is the result of us shoving inconvenient feelings down?
The next day a close friend and client asked me how I was. And I briefly said, "I am having a hard time dealing with my feelings around the choices that my daughter is making. " She then asked me how I usually deal with people acting contrary to what I think is healthy or useful. Oh how I love being called out on something that I teach! So as honestly as I could I said, "I guess it depends on the person, the level of investment I have in them what processing that emotionally looks like for me but in this case, I cry." I said. And she asked, "Is that useful?" (Doncha love it when they use your lingo to investigate you? actually I do!) And I said, "Much more so than stuffing it down."
But I had yet to cry. I was still holding it in.
Later last night I realized why I was having such a hard time. I realized that I was associating her choices with my own failure. I was saying to myself, if only I had done this or this, she wouldn't be doing this right now. She would be in a happier, healthier place and I wouldn't be feeling this way!
What a joke!
I have no way of knowing what I may have done or not done that could change or effect someone in the long run, its all speculation. But in my own desire to take on responsibility for my daughters current experience I, was actually denying myself love. And I realized, I would also be denying her love by failing to recognize and support her autonomy. By not Trusting in her Soul Self the same way that I was currently denying myself trust in my own, I would ultimately hurt both of us.
As I finally let the tears fall and allowed myself to be cradled in the arms of my loving man, I gave into my own fears, fears that plague every mother, the possibility that I have failed my child. But in that moment when I finally let it out, it transformed! How could I fail when all I have ever tried to offer was the best version of love that I was capable of at the time? I can't and neither can she.
Loving. Really LOVING is allowing people to have their experience and choosing to love myself regardless of what someone else does or doesn't do or what I can or can't do for them. Ultimately being true to love to me, is the only way I can authentically love them too.
We all want to be happy, but real happiness means holding equal space for all of ourselves and all of our feelings. If I really want to be authentically happy, I have to allow that some days, I will feel sad, angry or frustrated because I am human, Those feelings too have a place in my life. If try too hard to control the spectrum of my emotions, my emotions will control me instead and my fragile ego is no match for the Sea of Feeling that is our Authentic Human Experience. It is only in giving over to these rhythms and riding them as a daring surfer rides the waves, that we ever gain any modicum of control of our own happiness. Isn't it so paradoxical that in giving up control, we actually gain it that in giving space to those inconvenient feelings, that they are transformed and in loving what is, what was and whatever will be that we ultimately become free.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
I softly laugh.
I go on to say, "I never make a big deal about the experiences that you guys have had that have brought you here. (I am at a burn camp for kids) "You are way more than that experience or the sum of your injuries but I cannot help what I saw the moment you closed your eyes." I tell her what I saw. I ask her if she remembers. She nods. The experience is so raw, it is now right on the surface for both of us.
My Heart is wrapping around her.
This is Sacred Space.
I ask her if she will go back into that memory with me, that we will go together, that she will be safe. She nods her head in acknowledgment and immediately we are there. I guide her telling her, "You can see the fire, the smoke, it is all around you but it cannot hurt you now. You have seen the movie Frozen, yes?" I myself have not actually seen the movie yet, but I know the references so well, (the Princess with the Icy Gift) and so does she. I tell her, "You now have Elsa's power you can freeze the fire. You can turn it to blue ice crystals all around you and it cannot hurt you. You are in control."
A hand from one of her friends reaches out and touches her on the back reassuringly, letting her know she is not alone. The small group that is present for her reading closes in around her, intuitively forming a protective circle.
I insert again, "Theses crystals are your power source now."
Her eyes open there are tears in her and my eyes.
This is Magic.
The kind that happens when hearts open in vulnerability and camaraderie, when courage takes the lead and community supports the wounded. This is what these kids and this camp is all about.
I go on with my impressions. She is so beautiful and such Beauty Bringer and I tell her this. I tell her I see a gift in her that she can bring Beauty into any situation and her friends around her nod. I tell her that though she may seem to be out of time sometimes, that timelessness allows her to travel to any place in any time she wants and to be welcomed there.
She is a Beautiful.
They are all so beautiful and so real.
For the last couple of years I have had the honor of offering intuitive readings for the kids and counsellors of this camp. I read their palms but they show me their Hearts, their pasts, their futures, their hopes and Dreams, their gifts and their strengths. They are so courageous and so vulnerable. They are full of humor, wisdom and often a maturity that cannot be glimpsed in many adults.
There is not a one of us in this world who is not scarred in some way. Some of us can hide those scars, the emotional wounds, the fears, the hurts and disappointments. Some of us can't. Some of us have to wear them openly, they cannot be hid, nor can the changes that the experiences have wrought. Perhaps we could all be a little more like this, a little more willing to show to each other our scars, what we fear makes us different what we deeply fear makes us unlovable.
We are all so alike in these ways whether our wounds be visible or not.
There is so much to learn from each other.
So much to be shared with each other.
There is so much to love.
Camp Eyabsut is a non-profit organization. It is 100% free for the kids who travel from all over the country to attend. It is the care and generosity of our communities that make this possible. They are supported by grants and donations and volunteers and will need support for next years camp.
Please visit http://www.campeyabsut.org