I am inspecting my own Emotional Town, a model for looking at and engaging with different emotional aspects, that has recently emerged. In this model, I am the mayor, you might say and all my feelings are residents with their own houses. I can look at the condition of each house and its members to notice and engage with my own emotional health. As I begin to take in the houses and their current conditions, I see and feel, Sadness is leaking out of of me everywhere flooding the landscape going to all my houses like an evicted beggar and asking to be taken in. Her house is boarded and broken. No one would want to visit her there. No one really wants to let her in either. Sadness is a small blue child, who cries rivers of abandonment and sails her boat, Rejection on waves of grief. She feels lost and lonely, unwanted and unlovable, a ghost drowned in sorrow come back to haunt all my choices and my future. Now she won’t come off her boat at all. Her river flows through the middle of town and we are suddenly a coastal town. She pulls right up to my own house and I have no choice but to board her boat. I can’t abandon this small sailor.
I look more closely at her and I see that she is not the blue of drowned and forgotten things, she is the blue of Krishna, soft and radiant, pale periwinkle fading to pink and there is gold all around her. Her boat is actually a treasure ship and she is an adorable imp, a bit of a pirate who has no crew. I see the other emotional houses have paid her off to stay away and so she has become rich. She is rich but she is also lonely. I look into the seas she sails as we pull away from Emotion Town and I see dolphins in the waves. They dip and dive around the boat. They are her companions. She is not now, nor never has been alone, even in her rejection from polite society, she has had company.
She wants to take me away. She wants to show me something. The water has changed as we sail out into the Void. It sparkles and bubbles all around us. Adventure beckons! She doesn’t want to live in town. She wants to sail the seas and be free to do and go wherever she pleases. She is my spirit of adventure and she will never be truly happy just sitting around in town. Town bores her. The houses that have shut to her, she feels hurt by but she has learned not to long for them or the company within. She is wild, creative and a bit unruly. Her hair blows in the wind and she lights a joint.
Suddenly she is crying and the sea becomes stormy. Lightning flashes in the distance and I get the distinct impression she will sink the boat with both of us on it. She tells me she doesn’t care. We will become mermaids but this is not what I want, a cold lonely existence at the bottom of the sea. She points out the dolphins and whales, friends and guides. Freedom. No one asking anything of her no one needing her, her needing nothing. This now feels lonelier and lonelier. There is lightning in her eyes and lightning all around. I admit I am afraid but I am also curious and I now feel sad for her, with her. She flashes and snarls. She doesn’t want pity and I can really feel now, she doesn’t want to be alone either.
Her little blue feet are planted on the deck of the boat as it tussles about in the swells. I get down on my knees and open my arms to her but she is not interested. The waves crash harder. We are beyond hugs to fix this. I get off my knees and grab for the rigging. I do not know how to sail but I will not let us go down, either. I manage to pull the sail in and boat calms a little. She looks surprised that I am even trying but I don’t quit. I grab hold of the steering wheel and try to navigate even though I have no idea what I am doing.
I tell her, I will not let her sink the ship. I will not let us drown. We will not become mermaids this time. I tell her, I’ve got this. I don’t know what I am doing but I will not abandon her and I will not let her sink this ship. She smiles. “That’s all I ever wanted." Her toes wiggle and there are crescent moons in her eyes instead of lightning now. The stars come out above us and a whale breaches near by. Moonlight glitters off the water and plankton glows all around. The ship stabilizes, the seas calm.
Now she comes to me and we sit in the netting cuddling and watching the sea life stir all around us. She calms and shivers. Now she does indeed seem like a frightened human girl. There are hollows under her eyes and her lips are blue. I use my own magic to manifest, from thin air, a huge soft comforter, which I wrap around her and small brazier over which we cook hot dogs on sticks. As we snuggle into each other, the shivers subside for both of us. Our bodies and bellies warm and I pop a whole huge pillow nest into being for us to fall back into and gaze at the stars.
“Thank you for showing me your world”, I tell her. “Thank you for coming with me,” she replies.
Art: Ocean of Dreams by Josephine Wall