Thursday, April 13, 2017

Loving A Wounded Woman

First off, I'll say this; I want to love myself, I really do. I also want you to love me, I really do. I admit it! 
I am in some ways, pretty good at loving myself, and in other ways, I suck.  I have gotten better and better at telling people to give me space when I need it, to fuck off even. I have gotten better at not walking on eggshells when I can feel someone is not in a great space their self, and not taking it personally. I’m slowly getting better at really paying attention to what is going on in my own body and seeking help from others when something is off.  
I still tend to want to do it on my own.  I’d rather look into whatever trouble I am having and find a way to balance it naturally, myself. Sometimes this works, sometimes not so much.  The trouble with that is that I have to first acknowledge that something is wrong and I don’t like to do that.  I’d frankly rather ignore it and have fun, whether that be going shopping instead of doing my taxes or checking out on social media instead of booking that dentist or gynecologist appointment.  I get instantly rewarded in those situations... Like Like Like! Where as self care can sometimes feel like an endurance test, all those distractions taste like cookies!
Too often feeling that something is off in my body, or in a behavior, brings up vast amounts of shame and failure. It’s disproportionate, really, I know that everyone gets sick, that bodies become unbalanced, through no fault of our own.  I know that people need help to stay healthy at multiple levels, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I know that, all of it.  But there can be a vast gulf between knowing and living. 



Neglect and abuse have always been neighbors. They live in a duplex with a withered yard and on any given Sunday you may hear one side of the complex howling and thumping, but form the other side of the duplex, you don’t hear so much.  On Monday morning, both doors open releasing slightly disheveled kids.  They probably don’t talk much amongst themselves as they shuffle off to the bus, they may be less willing to meet the eyes of the driver or their classmates.  One set of kids, one side of the house, is shrouded in secrecy.  They are the secret keepers, the Silent Guardians of the family, the policy is don’t ask, don’t tell, although at it’s root, this the motto for both houses.  One side of the duplex, abuse, bears terrible secrets, scars and nightmares that don’t go away in the light and yet somehow, get normalized.  
On the other side of the house, the neglect side, the don’t ask, don’t tell policy, is rooted in something a little different.  Where as terror is not necessarily at the foreground of their interactions, those who live in a house of neglect, simply don’t feel important.  They don’t feel they matter and so their material manifestation is distorted.  Perhaps the laundry needs to be done, the cupboards are less than well stocked or the fridges contents are beginning to look like science experiments.  The parents can't seem to pull it together for themselves, let alone their kids. Perhaps the children, where not beaten, feel a bit beaten down, wary and weary, or even depressed.  The message, not necessarily spoken, is clearly delivered, none the less, you don't matter. 
I grew up in both sides of the duplex. There was fun, there was drama and there was fear.  I learned who I needed to be in the varying environments and I created certain skill sets and behaviors to deal with wherever I was.
One mark of neglect seems to be the shuffling of blame, one parent blaming the other for their discomfort and lack of accountability and lack of ability for clear communication, was a common display in my family. Your dad hasn't paid child support, your mother is crazy.  This was a conversation that I got stuck the middle of and I surfed between the flotsam and jetsam from both wrecks. I learned to stay on alert for drama and outbursts in those unpredictable waters.
My parents divorced when I was eight and shared custody over us three kids.  We bounced back and forth between them, over about a sixty mile split, between Corwin Springs and Livingston, MT. Both of my parents were emotionally volatile people, the range of their emotional expression was unpredictable, and sometimes frightening. And they were both great at having fun.  
And that is another mark of neglect, replacing real care with the search for fun and other distractions.  Pizza and movies instead of hard conversations and homework.  And later in life, beer and take out instead of cooking and cleaning. Drugs and sex over education and parenting, me, with my own child. Forever searching for fun and distractions, gets passed down, from parent to child to the next generation, just like abuse, the seeds are planted when one is young and if not weeded out those weeds take over and flourish.  Self care gets replaced with distractions, addictions, more volatile relationships and pampering, and where it is nice to pamper oneself, it is not the same as self care.  Self care can be uncomfortable, as I already stated.  It requires us to be present in our body, listening and feeling to those signals, which will inevitably include pain. Real self care requires time and attention.  Attention that because of the seeds of neglect, we may just not think we are worthy of. The message can be subtle, yet it roots in deeply, informing us of who we are and what to value.
Somehow not taking care of yourself just becomes ok.  It’s not fun and it can be quite uncomfortable and expensive.  
And that is why I, a Wounded Woman, raised in a house of neglect, with visits from violence, can be hard to love.  I'm still learning to love myself and sometimes, what comes up, to be loved on, triggers the shit out of me!
That is why loving an abused or neglected woman will be one of the most difficult undertakings a person can embark on and also the most rewarding, especially for ourself! Often we learn to put on a good front, we learn to look good, dress nice and seem to have our shit together, but the longer you know one of us, the more you will see how carefully we have crafted that mask so no one can see what is going on inside of us, how little we often, actually think of ourselves.  
This is part of our allure.  We are often self effacing, we are more concerned about what is going on somewhere else with someone else and where at first we may be able to direct that attention solely at you, and you will bask in it, the facade will crumble and then we will want, no we will need you to take care of us, because we do not know how to truly care for ourself.  In this way, that strong woman facade cracks.  Through our distortion and pain, we want you to fill us.  Somewhere deep inside, we know you can’t but we ask anyway and not very clearly, for we ourself, do not really know what we want and our signals are all scrambled. We just know that we hurt, we don't want to, and we have been promised relationship as a panacea for all of our problems.
We do know what we don’t want.  We don’t want to go back.  We don’t want to cross that derelict yard into that crumbling building and find ourself there, the hurt, neglected little girl that we were.  We want to remember ourself as the one who could handle anything, the one who held it together, the mediator, the one who kept the others safe, not as the broken Orphan Child.  Yet, that is who we are, to at least a certain degree.  
So this is where you come in as our lover and this is where we often get abandoned yet again, when we ask you to do something for us that you cannot and you do not know how to tell us this or how to care for yourself in the face of our storm.  If you are aware, you will gently redirect our grasping for your attention, back to us. If you are skilled in your love, you will kindly if firmly guide us back to that place we would rather not go. I you are brave, you will tenderly hold us while we make that Journey, even as you remind us that you cannot make it for us.  
You will listen to our fears, our pain and not try to fix it.  We don’t need fixing, we just need reminding that we are worthy and you can do this simply by sharing space with us, and by letting us share ourself with you, ALL OF US.  Not just the glamour, not just the sexy minx, not just the mother, not just the  Child, but all of us.  All of those aspects that live simultaneously within us that are simply trying to be seen, to emerge.  If you can hold us as we fall apart and come together, and fall apart, again and again and again…Loving us, guiding back to ourself back through the Wound and into our Center, we will become your Goddess, a true Force of Nature!  We will love you back with all the fire in our soul, for to see a Wounded Woman as Whole and Worthy is a task for a Warrior and a battle that can only be won when the armor has been laid down, the weapons discarded and we stand before each other souls bared. That is the greatest Beauty to behold. 
Ultimately our Truth is this, and for us only to claim, I AM WORTHY! You may point the way for us but only we can walk that road that inevitably leads us back to where we came form our Center, our Home. That sacred place where innocence is never truly lost, and where even the most broken may once again find themselves Whole.




Photos by Reinfried Marass story behind these photos at http://www.apapachogallery.com/wounded-woman/

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Priestess. Child. Mother. Daughter


Here with my Mother. And she has touched the Other Side. I hold her foot, surrounding the center, the arch, that realm where heart and gut meet, that Central  Zone of Above and Below, the Solar Plexus point in reflexology. I close my eyes.  Grounding. I see her tiny foot an infants foot, my mommy as a sweet baby.  I see her as a young girl on a green field in dappled sunlight with her pony and her dogs. The healing flows... My Beautiful Mommy.
It does not escape me that the main focus of my work, both in my own Inner Realms, and in the outer circle with others, has been largely focused on Healing and Integrating Inner Child and now here I sit with my own Mother as she heals a huge crack that Will LEAD to an even greater Heart Opening.
There is no other Way. I feel the Sacred Child Calling for Home and it is Beautiful!
I realized yesterday, that I know things about my mom that many do not. I remember a different version of her from when I was a child, a version that was struggling with her every breath to reclaim herself from a fragmenting upbringing and even further damage and dissemination from her relationship with my own father. I wavered through the middle of this tempestuous reconfiguring.  Floating between troubled shores and doing my best to navigate flotsam and jetsam from both sides. She struggled to breathe, both literally and figuratively.  She has always been rather fragile, my beautifully delicate mommy. And she has always been Wild and for that I will love her forever.  
I've been right along side of her as she has strived to figure out her own feelings and become a more stable person, as she has tried to discern, what is the most healthy use for all of her Fire, and believe me, there is a ton of it! She is full of Sacred Rage, and I am afraid that it will burn her up at times.  
I waffle between being Child... Priestess and just terribly tired and afraid, and perhaps now, I am just really feeing that FEAR, I almost lost my fucking MOM! 
I have been on the move since I first found out, calling the hospital from Washington, friends and family and then hopping into my car and driving the 600 plus miles form Seattle to Bozeman to be with her.  It kept me grounded, focusing on the road, staring into snow at times, as I reminded myself every ten miles or so to drop my shoulders and BREATHE.  
I swooped up my own daughter, Destiny, on the way and we proceeded together, to be with our family's matriarch, my grammas are all gone. Mom now reigns as our Elder.
I arrived at Bozeman Deaconess to see a glowing woman in her bed, awake and clear, pink even! The confusion of the prior day passed. She looked beautiful!
As far has heart-attacks go, Well...she did it like a champ! In---Out over the course of the weekend. She paid attention to disturbing signs from her body and acted on them and it probably saved her life.   
SHE WILL HEAL!
She will be better, faster, stronger!!!
But not yet....
Fist, she will be slow and tender and tired and in need of patience and care.  
I am not the child who waffles any more.  I too am a Mother now and I know there is no way to control any outcome.  The best we can do is to be true to ourself, to be kind and patient, starting right here and at HOME and to share that love as best we can when we can.  I will be encouraging her to care more for herself and less about what the idiots out in the world are doing and I will do it from pure selfishness because I want her HERE.  I even told her I would follow her over and drag her back into her body, as a Daughter hell yeah, as a Priestess, I would not interfere. She chose to stay, even if, for a moment she confessed to regretting it because, yes, there is so much pain and suffering here in this world and details, never ending details and fucking medicine and bills and cleaning…
But
The Devil and the Divine are both in the details.  What we ignore as well as what we tend to, weaves the fabric of our life, the loops we make and the loops we drop, all become a part of that tapestry.
The nuances of Life are discovered and rediscovered in those small, often seemingly inconsequential moments, those moments that make up a LIFE! Those moments that yearn for our tending, for our awareness, for our compassion for our Presence, those are moments that are worth living for.
So here it sit, in this place in this time, the Mother of a Daughter, the Daughter of a Mother, A Blooming Priestess and Glowing Child. Here is what matters, what I choose to make important, what I choose to tend to with all the Fire in my Heart warming this Sacred place where I am...

Priestess. Mother. Daughter. Child 
Lady Justic

Saturday, December 31, 2016

So Long 2016! I'm Blowing You Kisses

As we sail into the final hours of another year, we say so long 2016! So long and farewell and no hard feelings. Really, I mean it, no hard feelings. I know many are crying, "Fuck You 2016!" but I just don't think it's your fault. It has been a very intense year and many are just looking for someone or something to blame.  We do that when we are uncomfortable as humans.  It's not your fault and its not ours. We tend to get attached to people, things, hopes and dreams and outcomes.  But deep down we know we can blow kisses to that which no longer serves us, take a breath and start again, wiser for where we have been, kinder for what have experienced, ready for what is to come!
Across the globe we've seen so much loss, so much angst and many changes, positive, negative and frightening.  Despite the air of turmoil that has prevailed much of the collective predicament, I have had an incredible year.  It has been a year of heart-break and revelation.  A year that began with a crazy injury that rendered nearly all my defensive mechanisms useless. I had to lean in, let go and receive lots of help. Someone closest to my heart shattered some of my perceptions of them, but thats what I get for Raising A Wild One. As it played out, it led to a deeper place of communication and growth for all involved.
I got engaged to my soul mate!  Heart throbs! And got some great clarity on my own business and am moving forward more Playfully Conscious than ever!
I am being asked to let go of some things.
I am being asked to step into others.
I, like, you, am a little afraid of the future, a little concerned about the state of our world.
I also have great Faith in people waking up!
I am ready to stop playing small and step more fully into my creative power and stop expecting others to do it for me. I don' think we can count on our government, I don't think we can count on religion, I don't think we can count on our old ways of doing anything any more, from marriage, to family, to business to....
The possibilities are endless for how we can show up when we open our Hearts, drop out of familiar and stifling expectations and Show Up! Moment to moment, paying attention to our feelings, our desires, the subtle signals that our body gives us when the answer is, Yes! or the answer is No.
We have Choices.
We may not be able to choose everything that happens to us, in our world but we choose how to navigate through it.  We can fall into fear and separation, blame and shame and Othering, or we can lean into the discomfort when it aries and meet and love what we find there. We can hold ourselves and each other when we are afraid.  We can hold ourselves and each other accountable. We can rock ourselves through the terrors of transformation and when the storm subsides, open our eyes, our hearts and find ourselves on new shores with new building materials and our Internal Flame ever to Tend.
Everything that happens in our life, shapes our characters, both in what happens and in how we respond to it.  We find balance when we create our own balance, based on what we find valuable and how we cultivate those values and imbue them into every aspect of our lives, embodying them.
As the hours tick down, I feel we are being asked to drop our armor, stand in our Naked Truth. Is it a bit scary, well yeah, it can be fucking terrifying!  Our world is not so Naked friendly, but we can normalize transparency, and we do it by airing our shame. Maybe it doesn't happen all at once, maybe we drop a little at time like a well timed strip-tease.
We use our discernment to decide who is worthy of our Truth, who is worthy of our Trust of our collaboration.  Little by little we become more and more aware of the potency of our Attention and we come to find it more and more like the highest form of Currency and we use it to stay Present and bring our Presence to the world.  Maybe this is the year that we unwrap our Gifts and begin distributing them to the world that we become more magnanimous with our energy and a little more stingy in how we use our time and who we devote ourselves to.
It's Our year, The Year We Soar!
There is no need to set grand resolutions, not when we can simply grow in attentiveness and aliveness and let that work for and through us.
This year, will be the year that I pay full attention to the requests of my Heart and my body and honor those impulses and that deep Intelligence.
Simple!
Powerful!
Fun!
This is the year I will Play with Abandon and I plan on abandoning all my outdated programs of limitation and scarcity.  I will be Fierce Tender and Fully Alive. I am welcoming my souls vocation as Priestess of Play and it feels Divinely Delicious!

So Long 2016, I blow you kisses and welcome in a New Year and a new Opportunities!

HEY 2017 I SEE YOU, AND YOU LOOK FUN!  WANNA DANCE?



Lots of Love and Happy New Year!
Lady Justice

http://playfullyconscious.com

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Why We Need Nurturing, Not Mothering

I'm not quite sure how to put these feelings into words but they are there, and I think this is an important distinction to make, between Mothering and Nurturing, so I will try.



Mothering is what is offered to us in coming into adulthood, as incomplete or as rich as it may be in any individuals case, it is what we receive from primary care giver, when we are children.
Nurturing is a lifelong process for which every single one of us is fully responsible to take on and grow meaningful skills to perpetuate as a daily, living practice.
Mothering is what we require when we are children.  There is an adult, usually a female, most often the one who grew us in her body, whose responsibility it is to give us the care and nurturing that we need before we are able to fend for ourselves.  She holds us, she soothes our wounds, physical and emotional.  She feeds us, often from her own body in the first year of our life. As we grow, we need less from her.  Part of her job is to encourage in us capability and self sufficiency.  Part of her job is to teach us how to rely on our own instincts, how to recognize our gifts, how to feed and clothe ourselves.  And that includes simple domestic tasks that she should teach us, like how to cook, clean and maintain ourselves.  Truly, it is the role of both parents to do this, to support us, challenge us and both contain and release us in our process of self discovery.
It is not their job to tell us who we are, for how will we ever know who and what that is if they are not around?  So many of us are left feeling like orphans, and not necessarily because our parents were absent, but because some part of them was absent in the maturation process.  Perhaps emotionally they were not all there.  Perhaps they were never taught the skills that are required to reach full adulthood, so few actually are.  Perhaps they were so deeply lost in their own pain and programming that was all they could offer us and we, being given no other options, we soaked it up.
If you were not well nurtured in your mothering phase, this is not an excuse to be an incomplete adult. This is not an excuse to go from relationship to relationship, expecting others to take care of you, or contrarily looking for others to take care of. That is not nurturing.  That is enabling.
Nurturing is the cultivation of awareness of ones own needs, desires and gifts and the growth of the skills required to make those manifest in this reality.
Nurturing comes with Advocacy.
We have to be our own advocate.  We cannot expect Mommy to always be around in some form or another to hand to us what we need or think we want, or to stand up for us when we are feeling inadequate or down.
Even as I write these words, I hear the voice of my former husband, my Wusband, screaming, "MA!" He is looking for something in the garage or in her storage room where she keeps a surplus of food.  And he is playing this emotionally infantile game with her that he often played, that I played when we were together, this scripted arrangement of agreements that he isn't capable of nurturing himself.  I saw this same game played out with my own father, the way he managed to get every woman in his life to take care of his basic needs for him.  I watched how it drained first my mother, then my step mother to constantly try to take care of him, while he blatantly refused to nurture himself.  I know the correlation of how I continued in these patterns in my first marriage and how I and my Wusband, in place of gnosis of Authentic Nurturing, bonded with a corrosive substance, methamphetamine, instead of our own Authentic Selves or each other.
MOTHERING IS NOT THE ANSWER!  UNLESS....
YOU ARE MOTHERING YOURSELF
I'm sorry if Mom was a codependent emotional wreck, like mine was.  I'm sorry if she catered to you as a child or perhaps you watched her do it with with your father.  I'm sorry if she did not get her Inherent Value as an Embodied Right, and you watched her starve herself in anyway, wether that was for food, affection or opportunities to provide meaningful contribution to the world.  I'm especially sorry if she did everything for you so you would not have to struggle the way that she did, or if your parents replaced access to things for authentic connection.
I'm sorry if no one taught you, or modeled for you how to nurture yourself.
But....
It is your fucking responsibility to do it for yourself now!
No one can do this for you.
No one can really Know you until you know yourself.
You are required to KNOW:
Who You Are.
How You Feel.
What You Want and...
What The Steps Are That Need To Be Taken To Make That Desire a Manifest Reality.
The biggest part of Nurturing is Advocacy. Feel your feelings.  Speak up for yourself!
I firmly believe we are all here to love, support and challenge each other into Authentic Adulthood.  It is time to put aside this notion of being "Children of God" stop waiting for some visible or invisible Parent to tell us what to do, and start acting like Glow Ups.  And what pray tell is a Glow Up?  A Glow Up is an Individual who has integrated the Innocence, Enthusiasm and Brilliance of Childhood into a lively curious, Intelligent, functioning Adult with Integrity, who is able to care for him/her self and to offer that care to the world around them as honest desire to Deeply Nurture in relationships, in business, environmentally, economically, even.  Nurturing is the answer to lack, to drama, to trauma and to the pervading aura of scarcity that each and everyone of us is too often faced with in nearly every arena of our life, on a practically daly basis.  Nurturing is the Answer.
Will you Please Pick Up This Torch and Light the Flame of Authentic Care!

I Love you so much!

Lady Justice


photo credit: Unknown

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Loving Those Liminal Times in My Own Way



I want to share this in case anyone else out there feels this way too.  
This is a strange time of year for me. It is a Liminal Time.
Between Oct 31, when the Veil is at its thinnest and Dec 21, our longest Night but also when the Light returns, I live in a limbo. I have a harder time getting things done. I am torn between wanting company and wanting to be alone. I want to sleep or spend time nesting, like a lot.  Sunset tends to signal snuggle time and once the sun is down, I tend to not want to leave my house and I don't care if that is at 5pm. 
I love the cheerful giving and caring aspect of the Holidays, gathering, traveling and connecting. 
Yet, when I go into many stores this time of year, it has a similar feeling to being in a casino.  
The displays the lights the zombies shopping. I say this because when I am in a casino, its like I can feel that weird distorted "need" to win, which is driven so often by people spending money that they don't have. Sometimes this time of year feels exactly that way for me. I can feel people going into debt to buy things they don't need and it stresses me out. I'll forget what I am going into a store for because I will be bedazzled by all the displays. Just like a casino and just like a casino, the house wins!
This year, I just can't.  
I don't want anything. 
I want to enjoy the Season in my own way with family and friends and no pressure.  
I buy gifts when something I see resonates for a person I know, I feel that ping and its a lovely exchange. I don't need big commercial signs screaming "And Now You Shop!" 
There are things my beloved and I actually need, like a new bed, that takes precedence over buying a bunch of people gifts and if that makes me selfish than so be it. I'd rather be selfish and sleep well snuggled comfortably next to the person that means the most to me than do what I'm "supposed" to do as a good consumer.  In case we have all forgotten, we can't buy happiness or connection.
This is naturally a time of year for reflection.  
The Darker days, the twinkling lights outside on peoples houses, the soft lights coming through peoples windows. It all reminds me to tend to that Inner Light, to sit in front of a fire maybe with a glass of wine and to let the creative juices flow or act like raisins, depending on their mood because lately, creatively I have felt like a raisin, lol. But really as Nature quietly rests, renewing and restoring for another year, so shall I. And I will allow myself to do, or not do as I need. 
And if any of this resonates for you, I invite you to take the approach to this Season or really at anytime, that works for you you; to create or unravel any tradition as it is most meaningful for you and to take the time and care for yourself as your sweet Being needs.  

Much Love~
Lady Justice

Friday, November 18, 2016

The Gift of Trump


Oh yes I dare say it and I know some people will scroll past this post in disgust merely because of the title, but for those whose curiosity is taking you further, here we go.  I have this title running through my head and so I will write about it.  
Why in the Fuck is Trump a GIFT?
Well...
First I will say that every single teacher of conscious principles that I have ever had, has always encouraged me to look for the Gift in any situation.  So you feel devastated, abandoned, hurt, terrified...Feel the FEELINGS!  All of them and once the storm has ebbed, ask now, where is the Gift?  In this case, I think part of the Gift is the feelings themselves.  We are no longer numb, drifting in some sparkly fairy world. We are awake!  And yes it may hurt right now but it always hurts when the circulation first begins moving again.
It is my opinion that feelings are not created in us from someone doing something outside of us or to us.  They all exist as potentials inside of us waiting to be activated.  People will hear the same phrase from a person and where as for some it will elicit permission to enact on already troubled feelings, for others it will elicit disgust. It all depends on our personal constructs and emotional development.    
Perhaps what is happening in part is an all over emotional and spiritual maturing!  Wouldn't that be something!  No more bully/ savior complex just people dealing with each other and their feelings.
There are so many feelings that have been activated by recent events that not all of us have the emotional depth to even know what all we are feeling let alone the skills to convey those emotions.  And why is this, that full grown adults don't know how to navigate their feelings?  Because we are not taught how to process our emotions.  Well, hardly any of us anyway.  Too many people are told, you want to cry, well I'll give you seeming to cry about.  Here's another, only babies cry.  Here's another, men don't cry, women are always too emotional, its your hormones, you'll get over it, buck up, turn the other cheek....dismissiveness ad nauseum infinitum.  
For too many of us, our feelings, especially the more intense ones, those ones those lofty folks with bullshit spiritual notions tell us are low vibration, negative unwanted, bad....or are just too unfucking pleasant to deal with, have suppressed too many "negative" feelings for too long and have bought too heartily into the idea that you should only focus on the positive.  
Well, apparently a good number of US did not get that message and what many of us living in our happy little meditative zones have forgotten, is that we have been sitting on a festering boil for a long time and have been plying it with cover ups instead of healing it.  
Well now that sucker has popped.
It is seeping, and it hurts.  
WE hurt.  But I will tell you a secret, we have been hurting for a long time.  Some of us are so deeply ingrained with divisive beliefs that hate is as natural as breathing.  This is the result of Othering.  If I see myself better than you, for whatever reason, I now have an excuse to take from you what I want because I am more deserving of it and that is what every single conquest that has ever been undertaken in this world has been about.  My religion is better than yours, my truth is better than yours, my nation, my people, so therefore I have the right to eradicate your cultural practices and replace them with my own and you had better accept it or I will kill you.  
This has gone on so long and so effectively that we do it to each other without a second thought.  We Other each other and in doing so we get to briefly feel better about ourselves because we have now taken that inherent discomfort that original wound, the secret belief that is so deeply ingrained, there is something wrong with me, and made someone else the home for it.  
Ahh, I can breathe easier because now I am not feeling that dread and discomfort because you, You other over there, are the cause of it.  Now I can freely attack you and feel no guilt about it because you are the source of my discomfort and if I can just put and end to you, I can be comfortable forever.  
This is how the Shadow works.  
It takes guilt and solidifies it into shame, makes that shame intolerable, makes that guilt unbearable, makes the separation so convincing that now all my discomfort can conveniently leap into you, where I can, once and for all take it out!
But if doesn't work.  Sure there may be a sense of vindication for a moment but ultimately the guilt grows and so arises the next the thing to attack.  
It is a vicious cycle and we have been doing it for so long.  
So the GIFT right now, in my eyes, is this.  We are so raw, that pain is so out in the open, it is no longer hiding, which to me, signifies its death rattle.  
If these Shadow practices are now out in Light they are running out of places to hide and that is a great thing because the way that we deal with this kind of pattern is we corral it, contain and address it as ACTIVITY, rather than continuing in the Game.  An activity can be communicated about and corrected.  A person once seen as irredeemable, cannot.  Once the activity is solidified in a person, a group or a class of people we are no longer addressing activity and behavior we are singling out people for more othering.  And that is how the game perpetuates.  
If we want to step off this game board, we must each decide in our own Hearts how we will address Othering. Will we keep pointing the finger and blaming or will we each make a stand for what we value.  Will we choose to allow others to retain their values without forcing ours upon them.  
This world is a panorama of beauty and variety and there is room of us to each live in a way that is comfortable and sustainable, communicable, prosperous, we are not a threat to each other if we can choose to see ourselves in the Other.  We all have fears, hopes and dreams and no one is here to take those away from the other. In fact if we can be a bit more open to what our needs are, we can all come together to get those needs met.  
Every human has the right to be seen, to be heard, to be clothed, sheltered.  To feel safe.  There is so much more that we are capable of when stop spreading fear and start spreading love instead. Now is our chance.  It's all out in the open and its ululating with cries for healing.  Will you answer this call?  Will you dive in and feel the Feelings and stop spreading Fear.  Fear is the food of bigots, hypocrites, misogynists and racists.  We who are in our divine unfolding, we embrace our humanity and we feed on Love and Love we Serve.

Monday, October 31, 2016

I Am A Witch!




How many posts I share with you could start out, while in the bathtub the other night... Well this one and so many others because my tub is my Cauldron, I sink into it when I am seeking, solace, healing or transfiguration.  I form my potion, salts and essential oils, and prepare my sacrifice, whatever part of myself that is ready to expire.  In our society, we shy from Death.  As a Witch, I welcome it.  I welcome the death of that which is no longer serving me.  I ask that those who come to me for help, healing and transformation, also learn to embrace the death of whatever is no longer serving them.
In many parodies of witchcraft we see the Practitioner tossing various things into the Cauldron, often dead things, things from jars, things from cages.  She, (she's usually a Woman) asks, what are you going to give me for my Magick?
Will you give up your Cage?
Something must be given.
The Great Circle calls for a Death for there to be New Life.  This is not black magic this the law of nature.  Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it merely changes form.
When we wish to bring forth a new Creation that which is of the Old, must be transfigured.  This is the secret we must learn in order to Shape Shift effectively.
I have cast spells in my time.  We all have.  Think of the word, spelling, to Spell. We spell with our words, we cast spells with our words and intentions.  We all do it, all the time.  Whether we mean to or not, we give the symbols energy and meaning.
I once cast a spell on my Wusband and his then wife.  I had evidence that she was toxic to my daughter, who was then living with her.  I myself still had unresolved issues with my ex, feelings that had not been sorted.  I believed she was dangerous to my family.  I cast a spell to sunder their connection.  I wrote it in my Book, Let Him Go! Several months later, it worked.  In an epic fight, they broke up.  But the cost, my sacrifice that brought this spell to fruition was the Death of the Identity that believed I still loved my ex in the only context that we had known.  Love doesn't die, you see, it merely changes form.  I found that as soon as he was released, I no longer wanted him.  In performing this act, I sacrificed the identity that had created the desire in the first place!  That part of me died, but that energy transference created changes in my life that I could not have foreseen.  Great changes down the road, it even made room for my current Love.
And...
It was a Wicked Power Realization!  Magick Comes with a Cost.
The cost for me was that identity, which I willing let go with no small amount of grieving, just because you may realize that sometime is not meant for you doesn't mean you can't feel sad about the end of its existence. But had I not let it go, I can only imagine the suffering that might have created.
So many of us want Magic, real MAGICK, not parlor tricks.  But Earth Shattering Transformation.  But it will have a cost.  It stands at the corner of Possibility and Now and asks, "What will you give me? or more accurately....What will you give up for me?
It may ask nothing short of the life you know but just because you are asked to go beyond what is known, this does not mean you die.  Yet if we want to know Trance-Formation truly we must familiarize ourself with Death for at some level, all fear is the fear of death and it will hold you where you are.  Holding your dreams hostage.
In the Cauldron last night, I lay there soaking, asking for breath for my stuffy face, asking for change, asking for the Keys to a more congruent life.  I saw a great broadsword come toward me, slicing me down the middle, spilling my insides.  I saw myself split into Three Essences.  One was Light and looked like Daisies being carried on the breeze.  The other was the body, my form which I felt some sadness at watching perish.  The final was my guts themselves, they spilled out, red and rank and fell, instantly reabsorbed by the Earth.  I was once again, sacrificed.  I was curious, I was free and I cried. And immediately following this vision, came the awareness of some behaviors that will need to change in order for the person that I truly want to be, to emerge as well as some replacement behaviors for those old habits.  Once again, the law of transfiguration the energy of one thing becomes the energy of the next.
I also saw within moments, that I am not a Warrior in this Life.  Though I resonate deeply with the Sword, from many lives and from my Ancestress Boudica, that is not my Path in this life.
I am here to work with Story, to record, to shift, to heal.  I am here to cast Spells of power and transformation and to awaken the sisterhood of Witches to take back our Story, our Power from the maligned and defamed, tortured and brutalized memories that have become our history.  I am a Witch I am attuned with life as a sentient force.  I am walking my path, caring for those who have been discarded by traditional society.  I will walk the edge of the Forest, gathering branches for my Fire, herbs for my tinctures, stories for my books and a Coven from those who are disillusioned with life's lies, with false identities, who do not fear Death but who seek their own Power and Connection to Nature.  Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a Witch and tonight I ride my broom through the Worlds, laughing calling out to the Universe and all my fellow Witches.
Ride with me, my Lovelies!